Whats the difference between weather and climate?
You can't weather a tree, but you can climate!
I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can’t make it stop.
What did the cow say to the tornado?
You mooooooooooove me.
Patient: Doctor! I’ve been smoking for decades, and now I have a tumor in my lung! Save me!
Doctor: You’re fine. The idea that the human body does not change over the course of the lifespan is ridiculous.
One method the Coast Guard is using to control the spill is to set it on fire.
This is proving to be a boon to the seafood industry as now all the seafood
is will be deep fried in oil before it is caught!
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer,
"We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon,"
I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week.
After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.
"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her.
"Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."
Tuesday, June 1st is the official beginning of the hurricane season.
Any hurricanes prior to that date are illegal.
British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse,
they may soon have to start drilling for water.
The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive.
That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'
In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf.
They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.
I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall
environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest.
Yeah. If you live in England!
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying,
'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?'
No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.
This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody.
In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass,
they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.
Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico.
The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.
So now they’re dumping golf balls into the Gulf of Mexico to plug up BP’s leak.
And to think that all this time I’ve been preventing oil spills at golf courses across the country.
A man from a city went to visit his friend in the country side.
The moment he stepped out of his car he began to sniff the air. "Yuck! What a strong smell! What is it?"
"Must be the fresh air." Said his cousin. "That sure is some strong smell," replies the city bred guy.
The leaders of Europe are all sitting around a table at the Copenhagen Climate Change summit.
After the initial pleasantries, Gordon Brown speaks first. “I will end climate change,
just like I ended boom and bust! I will be tough on climate change and tough on the causes of climate change!
Britain will spend “£200 billion on fighting climate change this year!”
Before Brown has even sat back down, Angela Merkel of Germany begins to speak.
“That’s nothing! We will spend €300 billion on fighting climate change!”
Nicolas Sarkozy of France speaks next; “We will end zis climate change. We will spend €1 trillion on fighting climate change!”.
Attention now turns to the president of Armenia, he stands and meekly announces:
“We have budgeted to spend $1,000 on fighting climate change over the next 10 years.”
People around the table begin to snigger.
Embarrassed, the Armenian president slams his fist onto the table and shouts
“Ok, ok, we will spend $100 trillion on climate change!”.
The sniggering around the table has now become hysterics; “How will you afford that?”
“Well” the Armenian president began, “The real figure was bit low, so I just made some up. Isn’t that how it works around here?”
The following is the modern climate change version of an old flood joke:
So there's this huge flood one day - caused by the climate change,
and an entire town looks like it's going to be swallowed up by the waters.
And the Police and Rescue Agencies are running all over the place trying to get people to safety.
So they send the rescue boat over to this house where a guy's sitting on the roof with the water
lapping around his ankles and they say "Come on, quickly, there isn't much time"
To which he says "Nah, it's ok, God will Provide"
So about an hour later they're zooming past in the boat again and they notice the guy's still there,
only the water's up to his waist, almost at the top of the roof.
"Quick" they say, get in the boat, it's going to get worst before it gets better.
"Nah, don't worry - God will Provide"
An hour after that a rescue helicopter flies over the area and notices the guy,
who must be standing on the peak of the roof now, with only his head and shoulders out of the water.
"GRAB THE ROPE!" they cry "IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE!"
"Don't worry" he replies calmly "God will provide."
So he gets drowned of course.
And he goes to heaven, and is a little ticked off with god for drowing him like that, and expresses his concern saying
"I had faith, I believed in you - and still you didn't help me"
"HELP YOU?!" God replies "What MORE did you want - I sent you Al Gore, two boats and a helicopter!"
Kofi Annan’s illustrated the launch of a climate justice campaign with a climate joke:
A pig and a chicken are discussing hunger in the world.
"I know how we can solve this", says the chicken. "I’ll provide the eggs, you provide the bacon. Job done".
"Hang on", says the pig. "For you, that means a contribution. For me, it is total commitment."
Gas is so expensive SUV now stands for sport utility victim.
Geography test answers:
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.
Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.
Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
Do you know more climate jokes?
We are happy about each mail to klimawitze@die-klimaschutz-baustelle.de.
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